Seriously. It never ends. It's like I'm some sort of crazy person. I can't even imagine what people feel like when I text them, it must feel like some sort of messed up Russian Roulette. "Is this a normal text or is Chelsea asking how hard you can throw a toddler without killing it?" (I've never actually asked that because I'm not a damned monster, people) is what they all must wonder. Well, for you (the people I don't text) you need not wonder anymore. For the most part if a person gets a text from me, or starts a text conversation with me, the whole thing typically quickly disintegrates into madness and depravity.
A conversation that Liz started with me
Liz: "Discussing the merits of frog fellatio... Since frogs don't have teeth, they don't bite, maybe the clamping felt good?"
Me: "Omg! LOL sick! It makes me think of old toothless ladies turning tricks behind a gas station or something! D-:"
Me (short time later): "Or maybe the bonobo just liked hurting and demoralizing the frog, enjoyed the feeling of power. Could primates exhibit sociopathic and abusive behavior like humans? Hmmm... an interesting thought."
****I then realized that humans are primates and felt stupid, but I didn't want to point out that I had made a horrible error so I just didn't say anything and hoped she didn't catch it... but she probably did. Damn you Liz! ...And also thank you for not pointing out I am an idiot. XOXO
Another conversation Liz started
Liz "Hey... Do you and Anthony have sex while you're preggers and showing?"
Me: "Yeah! :-D ....You creepasaurus;)"
Liz: "I was talking with a friend who is eight months and wanting it but it freaks her boy out... He says he can feel baby..."
Me: "That's bogus. What he is feeling is the cervix:) There is a membrane (many of them) between his man sausage and the baby. If he's on top then he could feel the baby move through her tummy but the solution to that is to have her on top or do it from behind. He's an idiot. His dongle is not touching the baby, the uterus or any of that crap. He is psyching himself out."
Me a short time later because I can't leave well enough alone: "If he still doesn't want to do it the fuck it, roofie his ass. Mama gets what mama wants and if mama wants hot monkey sex he should give it to her... with extra monkey. Wait. No.... now I'm thinking about bonobos. Fuck! I hate those bonobos!"
This is a conversation (starting when it began to get depraved) I had with Danielle earlier today. To set the scene, she asked me what I would study should I go back to school (ethology, which is a discipline of psychology that deals with animal behavior specifically) and was beign very wonderful and encouraging. Being who we are, we couldn't just leave it at that and soon the convo just took on a life of its own.
Danielle: "You are highly intelligent. You enjoy behavior. Might as well do what you love."
Me: "I have another love but my parents would never forgive me if hubby and I started making and selling sex tapes. Well... I don't wanna sell them. I just wanna do it all the time. But they don't pay people to stay home and get boned by their husbands all day so I'd have to pioneer the industry which sounds like entirely too much effort compared to an advanced degree in the psychology field."
Danielle: "That is one profession that will always be in demand. Webcam and pay per minute and presto. Instant employment. Yes. Psychology will in the long run be more beneficial. Easier to discuss that on family holidays."
Me: "It's true. But I don't want other people to see us nekkid. I just wanna do it and get paid for it but without the other people viewing us thing. And being paid to be watched doin' it would feel too much like prostitution which makes me sad LOL so maybe I should just start charging hubby for sex? Wait no... that is straight up hookerism. Shit. Yeah. I'll go with the psych thing lol."
Danielle: "Can it be hookerism if you're married? Couldn't it just be earning a bit more for play money? I mean it does go back into the household."
Me: "I think we may be onto something here!"
Danielle: "It would be more barter than hooking right? lmao."
Me: "Technically yeah. Like trade a BJ for an hour of child care? Hey I could live with myself LOL excellent!"
Danielle: "Lmao. That is a good trade! Might come in handy when the new one is born though it might be for a shower or an hour nap instead lol."
Me: "I would give a BJ AND a hand job for a shower, even now."
This is pulled from a text conversation I had with my Da when he was taking orders for what people wanted for Friday Family Movie and Dinner Night (really he should know better by now than to text me, it always ends weird.)
DA: "I will see. Any fries, sweet tater or regular"
ME: "ANY FRIES ARE FROM GOD."
ME: "Nuh uh. YOU'RE crazy, I'm just enthusiastic about fries."
****My Da wisely opted not to respond. If he had it may very well have developed into a conversation about bonobos, and we all know that those end with videos of hapless frogs being face-raped. My Da doesn't know about bonobos and it's probably best that way because I don't want to be the one to tell him. How awkward would that be, yo? In any event...
****And all of this is just proof that I deserve to be paid to write an advice column. My qualifications for writing an advice column will be listed and explained in detail in another post.