In My Castle I'm the Effing KING... Which is why you probably shouldn't spout bigoted nonsense until *After* you're off of my property.

I've been told by very reliable sources that I am kind and tolerant (these same sources also say that I am nine types of crazy) but even I occasionally lose my shit. Remember sis in law who is suuuuuper ditzy? Well, her brain to mouth filter is broken (or maybe her brain is just broken) and from time to time some really offensive stuff falls out of her mouth. I've been struggling with this for a while, because I don't wanna like... correct her... or something lest it crush her soul. I don't really wanna just sit there and thus encourage her to spout ignorant idiocy either. Just as I was straddling the fence on this delicate issue, she deigned it necessary to offer me some parenting advice. She has no children.

At first I thought it was sort of sweet... but she wouldn't shut up. What started it me mentioning in passing how my daughter is a really light sleeper. Sis in law said something along the lines of "Oh, well if you don't get them used to noise when they are really tiny then that probably makes them light sleepers." That may or may not be accurate, and I said as much and followed it with the following, "But I used to hold Ayla while I cleaned, have her sleep on the couch with the TV on and she slept in our room with Anthony snoring for like 7 months... It isn't really that she was never exposed to a lot of noise, she just reached a point where she became unable to sleep through a lot of noises."

It didn't end there. She wouldn't let it go. She insisted that I had not done a good enough job of "getting her used" to noises and then went on to suggest that I be noisy when she is trying to sleep so that she'll learn to sleep with noises going on. I tried to laugh it off, but she just kept repeating that shit over and over until I had to physically remove myself from the room. No amount of reason gets through to this person. Critical thinking escapes her entirely. Couple that with a complete lack of knowledge of how babies and toddlers develop and you have what I was up against. I am not often in situations where my own critical thinking and reasoning ability don't lend themselves to a resolution, so you can imagine my distress.

How I wish the evening had just ended there. But no. She then chose to go on a tangent about Muslims. I wish I were making this up. Apparently, a friend of hers read somewhere that they just kill each other all the time and that they read in the Quran somewhere that killing infidels is good. It still didn't end there. We own a copy of the Quran, we have many books on religion, and I asked her if she would like to borrow it. She looked horrified. I guess looking in the holy book of another religion turn Catholics into pumpkins or something? I tried to explain to her what Islam actually was, and gave her an abundance of examples of how it and Christianity are similar, as well as very bluntly stating that extremists in every religion (including Catholicism) have done some atrocious things to others. Again, she wouldn't let it go. Her entire argument was "Something I saw on TV once" and "Something my friend read" and we just couldn't get around it.

I was fucking furious. Who the hell comes into another person's home, gives them parenting advice, spouts stupid ignorant nonsense about a belief system they admittedly don't understand and then refuse to hear any damned reason?! It's like she is completely deaf to educated arguments! (I would make a Republican joke, but I don't want to be too offensive.)

This all may seem like a small thing to others, but to me it truly is the straw that broke the camels back. I've made a decision that if given a choice, I will opt to not be in her company, even if it means removing myself and my daughter from our home while she is over. I certainly do not want her to be an influence in our children's lives. Anyone who is that close minded and intentionally ignorant has no place around my children. I know. It sounds really harsh. I am adamant that our children not be raised in a bubble and that they learn as much about as many things as they can. I feel that being around intentionally ignorant people will only serve to frustrate them as well as stunt them when they are younger.

Sorry. This has been more of a rant than an actual post. I promise I'll get back to posting funny shit soon. This was just really bothering me and making me crazy. You know how it is.

PROOF that my Husband Loves Me... Or That He is Lulling Me into a False Sense of Security Before Killing Me in My Sleep...... Whatevs.

It's no secret that I am somewhat awkward. Not only do I say somewhat inappropriate things (as well as do some inappropriate things) I tend to like to save these indecencies for when my husband is around. Sorry, Anthony, you thought you brought out the best in me but it turns out you actually attract all the crazy. Don't worry though, according to Buck Cherry crazy girls are awesome in bed. So you have that going for you. Wait. Where was I going with this? OH! Yes, I am awkward. My little filter doesn't work until after I say or do something questionable, and then my guilt kicks in. I'm not even Catholic yet I seem to suffer from the same (if not greater) crippling guilt. Do you know how hard it is for your apology to be taken seriously right after you make a joke about Mary having a headache every night in the company of devout Catholics? Pretty fucking hard. I am relatively sure they did not believe I am sorry and that they are praying I will be smote by holy fire.

In any event... for your amusement I have made an extremely short list of recent stupid/indecent/weird things I have done or said lately.

-Like many married couples, Anthony and I enjoy "intimate" moments. During one of these intimate moments I got mad at him for trying to take off my shirt. "If you do that you'll get shingles too!" I shouted, which totally ruined the mood because apparently talking about herpes zoster during foreplay is not sexy. In hindsight I probably should have said something like "I'm still contagious." or "Let me give you a blowjob!" Oh well, they say that experience is the best teacher (though my experience has been that this is not true.)

-Sometimes I leave glasses of water around the house. It's not like I intend to. I just forget that I had a glass and so pour myself a new glass.... like every thirty minutes. By the time I notice that there are twenty glasses around the house Anthony is already complaining. During one of these complainy moments, I was hastening to pick up the glasses. I had a couple tucked under my arm when I noticed that there was something on the floor. Since it was shiny desperately wanting to be helpful, I bent down to inspect it more closely... as I did all the water in the glasses spilled out on the floor and over Anthony's backpack. Anthony was so taken aback by my idiocy that he was actually rendered speechless. I wasn't. I was like "OMG I'M THE DUMBEST PERSON EVAR!" and then he rallied and was all "Yeah, that took some talent!" which some people would take as offensive, but he was right... it does take an immense amount of "talent" to forget that you are holding five glassfuls of water under your arms.

-Anthony had been working really hard outside to clean our roof and gutters. Not just "clean" but actually scrubbing with a sponge. He had also raked the backyard which was covered in like a foot of leaves and pine needles. Desiring to reward him for his work, I told him I was going to make him a slow cooked beef stew. We excitedly resignedly went to the store to pick up the ingredients. As we were starting the car for the drive home, I noticed that I was running late for my OB/GYN appointment. Shit! In order for the stew to be done by dinner time, Anthony was going to have to make it himself. "Thanks for all your hard work! Make your own damn stew, asshole." was not the message I wanted to send, but it was sort of the message that I felt got sent.

What's even shittier? I had written my appointment down wrong and was like forty minutes late anyways. It probably would have been best if I had just rescheduled for the following day.

-I really love to brush my teeth.

Before bedtime, we brush Ayla's teeth. Seeing her get her teeth brushed made me want to brush my teeth... so I started brushing my teeth too! Anthony did not want to join in the brushing so he held Ayla and helped her instead. After teeth brushing, it is time for Ayla to have a couple books read to her and then be put to bed. Anthony was reaching for a book at the same time I was bending down and trying to tell him (with a mouthful of toothbrush, toothpaste foam and drool) that we had already read the book earlier.... well I ended up schlopping toothpastey, drool-foam all over his hand. He was a little mad and I was a little embarrassed.
-I regularly drive right past places where we are trying to go... and I also regularly don't remind Anthony where we are going so then he drive by places where we are supposed to be going. We waste a lot of gas and time this way.

-Sometimes when I think Anthony is sleeping I toot.

...but then I become crazy with fear that he is awake and may judge me if he smells it. I swear he senses my distress because he almost always tries to roll over to face me right after I commit the gassy deed.

To prevent my stinky secret from being discovered, my only choice is to firmly brace my legs against his back and push really hard so he can't roll over.

This usually ends one of two ways: 1) he wakes up all pissed off and confused and is then even more pissed off and confused as to why it smells like cat poop in our room or 2) he gets all pissed off and confused in his sleep.


I'm sure Anthony can think of some more weird shit that goes down around here, but I don't want to ask him because I feel that it would be unfair for both of us to make him relive those moments.

Hey! If you made it all the way through this crazy, good for you!

Sometimes I Actually Make Sense.... This is Not One of Those Times.

You know how normal people have weird fantasies about smashing people with the harsh realities of this world and driving those people into deep cynicism and woe? What? That's not normal? Don't be ridiculous. Of course it's normal. Allow me to demonstrate some of my most compelling logic yet:
People eating fish eggs and snails----> NOT NORMAL
People desiring to crush the naive----> TOTALLY SANE AND NORMAL

I make so much sense right now it is downright disturbing. Anyhow. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a sister in law who is insanely naive. Most of the time I find it adorable. Other times I want to poop all over the world of illusion she lives in and crush her with reality. Lately, my desire to crush her wonderful world of unicorns, lollipops and babies has been intensifying. Please do not think I am a mean or cruel person. I'm not... usually. It's just that I'm 6 months pregnant and really have waning patience for the naive ramblings of someone who equates birth control use with abortion. No shit, ya'll.

To take up space and make this look more interesting help me make my point, I have prepared some illustrations. Please enjoy my hastily scrawled MS Paint creations (if you judge me I'll kill you.)

It starts out like this.

I look forward to what I will hear come out of sister in law's mouth. After all, the naivete is so sweet and cute.

Then we hang out and I take the magical journey with her into the carefully concocted alternate universe she exists in. Things are beautiful there. It is a world where everything is perfect because everyone in this world surely shares the same moral values as she does.

I love our little trips into her land-of-illusion.

Usually we both leave the interaction (i.e. entry into her fantasy universe) feeling refreshed and joyful. More often than not I looks forward to the next foray into the depths of her naivete.

Lately, however, it has been a bit more like this in the time leading up to any sort of interaction with her.

Suddenly snapping and sending reality crashing down upon her is a real fear for me. And by "we" I mean "us." The hubby is aware of the impending snap but being how he is he has not offered any sort of tangible help. Usually he just tries to get me to go with him to hang out with sis and bro in law, which makes me think that maybe he wants me to snap. If this is the case, I am sure the day is fast approaching where I will smack sis in law upside the head with some damn reason. Until then though I can only fantasize about what I will say to in response to her naive (and oftentimes ignorant) statements and then giggle at the face I imagine her making when her alternate universe is shattered into a million pieces.

Really when you think about it, I'm not that weird. I think we all have a place in our hearts that wants to hurt people who are intentionally naive... admittedly the place in my heart for such a thing is probably larger than most people's..... I am told that that is what makes me so lovable. Ok, so I've never been told that, but it could happen and as luck would have it if it will happen it will soon.

I Don't Know Why I Even Try. Seriously, WTF is Wrong With Me?!

Remember that time that I got in a fight with a dude over a shopping cart and then later admitted to child abuse and Anthony said he'd never go shopping with me again? Yeah, well, jokes on Anthony because I'm a fucking master of guilt tripping Jedi Master and he went with me again. Sucker. Oddly enough, the entire shopping trip went pretty well. We got food, I managed to remember most of the things we needed even though I didn't have a list and Ayla was all in all pretty content. It was probably the most successful shopping trip we've had in terms of actually accomplishing what we were supposed to.

I'll have you know that I even kept track of my own cart so I wouldn't get in undue fisticuffs with a stranger (which is probably good because the people in front of us were two older ladies and I've seen firsthand how scary old ladies can be: those vicious manxes.) So it came time to pay and... you know what? Before I get into the rest of this I'm going to give some background information:
I am a dog trainer and I have a little treat pouch that is pretty much a slimmer version of a fanny pack. I always put my treat pouch in my purse because otherwise I forget to bring it to class. Anyways, I keep a Ziploc baggie in there that I then fill with treats (usually string cheese.) Being who I am, I often forget to clean the pouch out after doggy classes.

So, back on track to the story at hand.

It came time to pay and I reached into my purse and (for reasons unknown to me) into the treat pouch. I proceeded to start to hand the cashier a small handful of cut up two-day-old string cheese. Honestly I probably would have attempted to complete the transaction if the look she gave me wasn't one of such utter confusion/disgust/concern. Yep, it was her face that tipped me off that I must have done something colossally stupid. Sure enough, I was somewhat abashed but instead of just laughing it off and explaining myself like a sane person "Oh wait, my card isn't filed with the cheese." fell out of my face-hole before I even put the cheese back in the pouch. Damn, damn, DAMN. Who the hell files anything with the cheese in the first place?! Cheese always gets its own place! Why do I always say weird things?!

Lucky for me, the cashier was very understanding (or she thought I was a lunatic and that smiling and reassuring me was the best course of action to remain unscathed) and kindly accepted my real debit card. I am also lucky that Anthony was too busy bagging groceries and keeping Ayla from flinging her tiny body out of the shopping cart to know what was going on. At this rate, he might even go shopping with me again. And that is the moral of the story: it only counts as a crazy moment if your significant other witnesses it.

This Post is a bit Funnier... but Probably Only if You're Me.

Ok, to set the tone... I text Anthony like a zillion times a day, because I feel like that is acceptable and that he owes me. What does he owe me? I don't really know, but that sense of entitlement is there. Anyways, I had put off texting him on this particular day until around lunch. I was probably mad about something but didn't remember what but was still trying to be badass. Anyways, here it all is:

ME: Hey. Can I get junk food for lunch, like from McDonald's? I feel like I need to eat it. I can't explain it. If it helps you decide, I only had ONE cup of coffee this morning so I am already ahead.

****Anthony didn't respond, so I sent this:

ME: If you don't answer I'll hide your toothbrush and let's just say that you will have to perform a cavity search to find it. Ewwwww. I just grossed myself out. Disregard!
ANTHONY: Yeah that is fine.
ME: What? No giggles? Cavity searches always make me giggle.
ME: I meant that cavity search jokes, not actual cavity searches because those sound awful and I'm not depraved, Anthony.
ME: Aaannnyyywaaayyys. How is your day going?
ME: Hey... are you ignoring me? It isn't because of the cavity search joke is it? Because in my defense I told you to disregard it.

****He still didn't text me back so I used some of my feminine wiles in an attempt to really get his attention.

ME: (I sent a photo that was totally black) Stuck the camera down my shirt. This is technically a picture of my boobs but I know you don't like it when I send you a picture of my boobs so I will just let you use your imagination here... I mean, the camera was down my shirt but for the sake of modesty I left the flash off. You're welcome.

****He never got back to me. When I asked if he liked the picture of my boobs I sent him when he got home, he just looked baffled (at my behavior) and shook his head and sighed. Stop sighing, Anthony, it isn't helping. Anyways, a couple days later, Anthony actually texted me but honestly I was sort of offended by what he and I said so I am now deciding to leave it all out. Sorry and you're welcome.

Here is some more stuff. I hear from Liz from time to time, which I love.

LIZ: I'm falling asleep in class.
ME: I'm falling asleep watching Ayla, eek! Are you in your philosophy class?
LIZ: Genetics.
ME: Oh:(
LIZ: So sleepy...
ME: Well, not like it helps but I'm gonna take a nap in your honor.
LIZ: I hate you.
ME: I get that a lot.

****That also probably made me look like a douche. But come on... if someone mentions they are tired don't you feel more tired too?! I know I do. I blame Liz for hypnotizing me over text messages. Dammit, Liz!

What can I say? It's been a slow week. I've had a headache for over a week that won't go away and haven't really been in-tune with most of the stuff happening around me. I've noticed that I am probably at my most normal when I am rendered incapable of speaking or thinking. That probably doesn't bode well for me. In other news, apparently Craigslist is biased against vampires, or people wanting to be vampires, because it never posted my ad. Or, Craigslist is actually run by vampires and they didn't want their secret to be uncovered so they blocked my post. Touché, Craigslist, touché.

This Post is not Funny at all. Sorry.

I don't think it's any secret that I am a huge fan of using birth control and stuff of that nature. I don't think that women should be baby-making machines and I very firmly believe that if a woman only wants to have one or even zero children that that is her choice and the methods she uses to stick to that are fine. I don't like abortion, but I would rather it be available to women so it can be done safely than it be banned and women resort to using knitting needles or coat hangars. Anyways, I digress. I greatly resent the implication that people who use birth control are somehow thwarting God's plans for them, or that they are somehow morally bankrupt. I'm sorry, but if you're judging someone for actively taking measure to not get pregnant until they are ready then maybe you are the morally bankrupt one. Last I checked, the Bible isn't clear on birth control but is very clear on judging people... so let's just let people make their own damn moral choices when it comes to BC and love them regardless, ok?

There was a post on FaceBook today about the Duggar's (the people with like, 19 kids with #20 on the way) and it included a link to a blog with a post titled "20 Children is NOT "Too Many." I was a little offended on both sides of the fence, to be honest. I mean I don't think people should be attacking the Duggar's and calling them heinous, awful people... but at the same time I do believe that 20 kids is way too many. If you have so many children that you rely on the help of the older kids to care for the younger ones, then I think it's safe to say that perhaps you are in over your head. It isn't the job of the other children to play parent, it is your job. Likewise, I feel that it is somewhat irresponsible to get pregnant after a previous pregnancy had so many complications (due to the mother's age etc.) I'm not trying to be judge-y, but come on... how responsible is it? People get up in arms about a teen getting pregnant but no one thinks to question a 45 year old mother of 19. It just seems sort of lop-sided. All the same, it is their choice and obviously their children are all very well cared for and very well loved. I can't fault them for that in the slightest. Being a parent of many children is not in the cards for me, but some women just feel called to be a mother all their life. Every woman is different, every situation is different, and judging the Duggar's seems like a silly thing to do considering that they are obviously able to support their baby-makin' habit and care for their kids. I think that Octo-Mom and Kate Gosselin are more morally reprehensible, personally.

I will just leave it at that. I wish the Duggar's the best and ask that both sides of the fence stop being so douchey. Women aren't baby makin' machines and people who choose to have a lot of kids aren't Satan-incarnate. We all have different opinions, yes, but there isn't a need for either side to be so vehement.

Shit Like This is Why Anthony Hates Going to the Store With Me. It's Also Why I Hate Going to the Store by Myself.

Most normally functioning human beings can manage to go grocery shopping without any trouble. Oh, how I wish I were you, normally functioning people. Unfortunately for me, the hormone craziness of pregnancy combined with my own unique brand of craziness has made me a touch unstable. Not like, gonna stab someone unprovoked unstable, more like the "This may not be socially appropriate" filter between my brain and my mouth is broken. Hang on to your privates everyone, I have no idea what I'm going to do next. The shopping trip started well enough I suppose. Anthony was all like "Hey, what do we need to get?" and I was all "Ummmm, let's grab a peck of bananas." which earned me a couple of odd glances but I didn't care because I was panicking due to forgetting to write a list. Seeing my anxiety, Anthony did the manly thing and took Ayla to go meander around the store while I worked my anxiety out on my own. Thanks oodles, Anthony. I sort of wandered around for a while and eventually got some stuff that I think we needed, but since I've been living off of sandwiches for the past two months I can't really be sure what a normal diet is anymore. Fucking hormones.

So since shopping is really boring for toddlers, Ayla got all pissy and Anthony had to carry her around for most of the shopping trip. No big deal. I sort of just floated along lost in my head and didn't really come out of my daze until we were in the check out line. This is where things got sort of weird and caused Anthony to tell me he didn't wanna shop with me anymore. At this store, you bag your own items. Due to irreconcilable differences in bagging protocol, Anthony does it because otherwise we fight. Anyways, he was standing over at the end of the little conveyor belt starting to bag things and the guy in front of me (after paying for his shit) grabbing the cart. Well, I thought it was my cart so I grabbed the handle sort of like "Hey dude, there are plenty of carts here, you don't need to take mine you douche face." (I said that in my head.) He turned and sort of gave me a confused smile and tugged on the cart. I tugged back. He glared at me. I gave him a sarcastic smile and happened to look over at Anthony and Ayla because I wanted them to witness this asshole trying to jack our cart. Anthony was giving me this "What the fuck is wrong with you?! look and I realized that Anthony had our cart. I knew it was our cart because Ayla was playing in it. Fuck. I had the decency to be abashed and give the nice man his cart. I pointed out the irony of fighting over a cart in a store FULL of carts, but the guy didn't think it was as hilarious as I did.

If only it had ended there.

After bagging everything Anthony had to pick Ayla up out of the cart because she likes to try to kill herself with bags and stuff. Due to Ayla being a toddler (i.e. a pain in the butt) she had a bit of a hissy. Anthony was all cooing to her and stuff and for some reason that bothered me and I was like "Dude, sometimes the best solution when she is fussy is to just throw her around." I said it more loudly than I had intended and the same man who tried to steal my cart was in front of us in the check out line somehow ended up behind us on the way out the store and he heard what I said. He gave me this sort of wide-eyed look and I was all "Not like, throw her throw her, just like, a little bit throw her." his eyes were about the same size and shape as a silver dollar and I was like "I'm not abusive!" he gave me the "That is exactly what someone who is abusive would say." look and I was all "None of this is coming out right!" which earned me a sort of understanding (yet suspicious) look. Anthony whisked me away to our car before I could do any more damage.

Moral of the story: Anthony will never go shopping with me again and I am now too scared to go by myself because knowing me I could very well get myself arrested.


****In other news, Anthony swore that he would block Web MD on our computer ever since I started dying from a terminal illness every week. He hasn't blocked it yet and now I've diagnosed myself with a brain tumor. Thanks, Anthony. I go in to the doctor tomorrow to demand an MRI (because anything less will not satisfy the monster that is my crippling anxiety) and quite possibly some awesomesauce pills (to be taken after the baby falls out shoots out bursts forth is born.)


Sorry this post is so boring. New post coming soon on weird ass texts/messages.
I would probably update more if Web MD were blocked....