Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Shit Like This is Why Anthony Hates Going to the Store With Me. It's Also Why I Hate Going to the Store by Myself.

Most normally functioning human beings can manage to go grocery shopping without any trouble. Oh, how I wish I were you, normally functioning people. Unfortunately for me, the hormone craziness of pregnancy combined with my own unique brand of craziness has made me a touch unstable. Not like, gonna stab someone unprovoked unstable, more like the "This may not be socially appropriate" filter between my brain and my mouth is broken. Hang on to your privates everyone, I have no idea what I'm going to do next. The shopping trip started well enough I suppose. Anthony was all like "Hey, what do we need to get?" and I was all "Ummmm, let's grab a peck of bananas." which earned me a couple of odd glances but I didn't care because I was panicking due to forgetting to write a list. Seeing my anxiety, Anthony did the manly thing and took Ayla to go meander around the store while I worked my anxiety out on my own. Thanks oodles, Anthony. I sort of wandered around for a while and eventually got some stuff that I think we needed, but since I've been living off of sandwiches for the past two months I can't really be sure what a normal diet is anymore. Fucking hormones.

So since shopping is really boring for toddlers, Ayla got all pissy and Anthony had to carry her around for most of the shopping trip. No big deal. I sort of just floated along lost in my head and didn't really come out of my daze until we were in the check out line. This is where things got sort of weird and caused Anthony to tell me he didn't wanna shop with me anymore. At this store, you bag your own items. Due to irreconcilable differences in bagging protocol, Anthony does it because otherwise we fight. Anyways, he was standing over at the end of the little conveyor belt starting to bag things and the guy in front of me (after paying for his shit) grabbing the cart. Well, I thought it was my cart so I grabbed the handle sort of like "Hey dude, there are plenty of carts here, you don't need to take mine you douche face." (I said that in my head.) He turned and sort of gave me a confused smile and tugged on the cart. I tugged back. He glared at me. I gave him a sarcastic smile and happened to look over at Anthony and Ayla because I wanted them to witness this asshole trying to jack our cart. Anthony was giving me this "What the fuck is wrong with you?! look and I realized that Anthony had our cart. I knew it was our cart because Ayla was playing in it. Fuck. I had the decency to be abashed and give the nice man his cart. I pointed out the irony of fighting over a cart in a store FULL of carts, but the guy didn't think it was as hilarious as I did.

If only it had ended there.

After bagging everything Anthony had to pick Ayla up out of the cart because she likes to try to kill herself with bags and stuff. Due to Ayla being a toddler (i.e. a pain in the butt) she had a bit of a hissy. Anthony was all cooing to her and stuff and for some reason that bothered me and I was like "Dude, sometimes the best solution when she is fussy is to just throw her around." I said it more loudly than I had intended and the same man who tried to steal my cart was in front of us in the check out line somehow ended up behind us on the way out the store and he heard what I said. He gave me this sort of wide-eyed look and I was all "Not like, throw her throw her, just like, a little bit throw her." his eyes were about the same size and shape as a silver dollar and I was like "I'm not abusive!" he gave me the "That is exactly what someone who is abusive would say." look and I was all "None of this is coming out right!" which earned me a sort of understanding (yet suspicious) look. Anthony whisked me away to our car before I could do any more damage.

Moral of the story: Anthony will never go shopping with me again and I am now too scared to go by myself because knowing me I could very well get myself arrested.


****In other news, Anthony swore that he would block Web MD on our computer ever since I started dying from a terminal illness every week. He hasn't blocked it yet and now I've diagnosed myself with a brain tumor. Thanks, Anthony. I go in to the doctor tomorrow to demand an MRI (because anything less will not satisfy the monster that is my crippling anxiety) and quite possibly some awesomesauce pills (to be taken after the baby falls out shoots out bursts forth is born.)


Sorry this post is so boring. New post coming soon on weird ass texts/messages.
I would probably update more if Web MD were blocked....

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