Wednesday, December 14, 2011

PROOF that my Husband Loves Me... Or That He is Lulling Me into a False Sense of Security Before Killing Me in My Sleep...... Whatevs.

It's no secret that I am somewhat awkward. Not only do I say somewhat inappropriate things (as well as do some inappropriate things) I tend to like to save these indecencies for when my husband is around. Sorry, Anthony, you thought you brought out the best in me but it turns out you actually attract all the crazy. Don't worry though, according to Buck Cherry crazy girls are awesome in bed. So you have that going for you. Wait. Where was I going with this? OH! Yes, I am awkward. My little filter doesn't work until after I say or do something questionable, and then my guilt kicks in. I'm not even Catholic yet I seem to suffer from the same (if not greater) crippling guilt. Do you know how hard it is for your apology to be taken seriously right after you make a joke about Mary having a headache every night in the company of devout Catholics? Pretty fucking hard. I am relatively sure they did not believe I am sorry and that they are praying I will be smote by holy fire.

In any event... for your amusement I have made an extremely short list of recent stupid/indecent/weird things I have done or said lately.

-Like many married couples, Anthony and I enjoy "intimate" moments. During one of these intimate moments I got mad at him for trying to take off my shirt. "If you do that you'll get shingles too!" I shouted, which totally ruined the mood because apparently talking about herpes zoster during foreplay is not sexy. In hindsight I probably should have said something like "I'm still contagious." or "Let me give you a blowjob!" Oh well, they say that experience is the best teacher (though my experience has been that this is not true.)

-Sometimes I leave glasses of water around the house. It's not like I intend to. I just forget that I had a glass and so pour myself a new glass.... like every thirty minutes. By the time I notice that there are twenty glasses around the house Anthony is already complaining. During one of these complainy moments, I was hastening to pick up the glasses. I had a couple tucked under my arm when I noticed that there was something on the floor. Since it was shiny desperately wanting to be helpful, I bent down to inspect it more closely... as I did all the water in the glasses spilled out on the floor and over Anthony's backpack. Anthony was so taken aback by my idiocy that he was actually rendered speechless. I wasn't. I was like "OMG I'M THE DUMBEST PERSON EVAR!" and then he rallied and was all "Yeah, that took some talent!" which some people would take as offensive, but he was right... it does take an immense amount of "talent" to forget that you are holding five glassfuls of water under your arms.

-Anthony had been working really hard outside to clean our roof and gutters. Not just "clean" but actually scrubbing with a sponge. He had also raked the backyard which was covered in like a foot of leaves and pine needles. Desiring to reward him for his work, I told him I was going to make him a slow cooked beef stew. We excitedly resignedly went to the store to pick up the ingredients. As we were starting the car for the drive home, I noticed that I was running late for my OB/GYN appointment. Shit! In order for the stew to be done by dinner time, Anthony was going to have to make it himself. "Thanks for all your hard work! Make your own damn stew, asshole." was not the message I wanted to send, but it was sort of the message that I felt got sent.

What's even shittier? I had written my appointment down wrong and was like forty minutes late anyways. It probably would have been best if I had just rescheduled for the following day.

-I really love to brush my teeth.

Before bedtime, we brush Ayla's teeth. Seeing her get her teeth brushed made me want to brush my teeth... so I started brushing my teeth too! Anthony did not want to join in the brushing so he held Ayla and helped her instead. After teeth brushing, it is time for Ayla to have a couple books read to her and then be put to bed. Anthony was reaching for a book at the same time I was bending down and trying to tell him (with a mouthful of toothbrush, toothpaste foam and drool) that we had already read the book earlier.... well I ended up schlopping toothpastey, drool-foam all over his hand. He was a little mad and I was a little embarrassed.
-I regularly drive right past places where we are trying to go... and I also regularly don't remind Anthony where we are going so then he drive by places where we are supposed to be going. We waste a lot of gas and time this way.

-Sometimes when I think Anthony is sleeping I toot.

...but then I become crazy with fear that he is awake and may judge me if he smells it. I swear he senses my distress because he almost always tries to roll over to face me right after I commit the gassy deed.

To prevent my stinky secret from being discovered, my only choice is to firmly brace my legs against his back and push really hard so he can't roll over.

This usually ends one of two ways: 1) he wakes up all pissed off and confused and is then even more pissed off and confused as to why it smells like cat poop in our room or 2) he gets all pissed off and confused in his sleep.

I'm sure Anthony can think of some more weird shit that goes down around here, but I don't want to ask him because I feel that it would be unfair for both of us to make him relive those moments.

Hey! If you made it all the way through this crazy, good for you!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sometimes I Actually Make Sense.... This is Not One of Those Times.

You know how normal people have weird fantasies about smashing people with the harsh realities of this world and driving those people into deep cynicism and woe? What? That's not normal? Don't be ridiculous. Of course it's normal. Allow me to demonstrate some of my most compelling logic yet:
People eating fish eggs and snails----> NOT NORMAL
People desiring to crush the naive----> TOTALLY SANE AND NORMAL

I make so much sense right now it is downright disturbing. Anyhow. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a sister in law who is insanely naive. Most of the time I find it adorable. Other times I want to poop all over the world of illusion she lives in and crush her with reality. Lately, my desire to crush her wonderful world of unicorns, lollipops and babies has been intensifying. Please do not think I am a mean or cruel person. I'm not... usually. It's just that I'm 6 months pregnant and really have waning patience for the naive ramblings of someone who equates birth control use with abortion. No shit, ya'll.

To take up space and make this look more interesting help me make my point, I have prepared some illustrations. Please enjoy my hastily scrawled MS Paint creations (if you judge me I'll kill you.)

It starts out like this.

I look forward to what I will hear come out of sister in law's mouth. After all, the naivete is so sweet and cute.

Then we hang out and I take the magical journey with her into the carefully concocted alternate universe she exists in. Things are beautiful there. It is a world where everything is perfect because everyone in this world surely shares the same moral values as she does.

I love our little trips into her land-of-illusion.

Usually we both leave the interaction (i.e. entry into her fantasy universe) feeling refreshed and joyful. More often than not I looks forward to the next foray into the depths of her naivete.

Lately, however, it has been a bit more like this in the time leading up to any sort of interaction with her.

Suddenly snapping and sending reality crashing down upon her is a real fear for me. And by "we" I mean "us." The hubby is aware of the impending snap but being how he is he has not offered any sort of tangible help. Usually he just tries to get me to go with him to hang out with sis and bro in law, which makes me think that maybe he wants me to snap. If this is the case, I am sure the day is fast approaching where I will smack sis in law upside the head with some damn reason. Until then though I can only fantasize about what I will say to in response to her naive (and oftentimes ignorant) statements and then giggle at the face I imagine her making when her alternate universe is shattered into a million pieces.

Really when you think about it, I'm not that weird. I think we all have a place in our hearts that wants to hurt people who are intentionally naive... admittedly the place in my heart for such a thing is probably larger than most people's..... I am told that that is what makes me so lovable. Ok, so I've never been told that, but it could happen and as luck would have it if it will happen it will soon.