Wednesday, December 14, 2011

PROOF that my Husband Loves Me... Or That He is Lulling Me into a False Sense of Security Before Killing Me in My Sleep...... Whatevs.

It's no secret that I am somewhat awkward. Not only do I say somewhat inappropriate things (as well as do some inappropriate things) I tend to like to save these indecencies for when my husband is around. Sorry, Anthony, you thought you brought out the best in me but it turns out you actually attract all the crazy. Don't worry though, according to Buck Cherry crazy girls are awesome in bed. So you have that going for you. Wait. Where was I going with this? OH! Yes, I am awkward. My little filter doesn't work until after I say or do something questionable, and then my guilt kicks in. I'm not even Catholic yet I seem to suffer from the same (if not greater) crippling guilt. Do you know how hard it is for your apology to be taken seriously right after you make a joke about Mary having a headache every night in the company of devout Catholics? Pretty fucking hard. I am relatively sure they did not believe I am sorry and that they are praying I will be smote by holy fire.

In any event... for your amusement I have made an extremely short list of recent stupid/indecent/weird things I have done or said lately.

-Like many married couples, Anthony and I enjoy "intimate" moments. During one of these intimate moments I got mad at him for trying to take off my shirt. "If you do that you'll get shingles too!" I shouted, which totally ruined the mood because apparently talking about herpes zoster during foreplay is not sexy. In hindsight I probably should have said something like "I'm still contagious." or "Let me give you a blowjob!" Oh well, they say that experience is the best teacher (though my experience has been that this is not true.)

-Sometimes I leave glasses of water around the house. It's not like I intend to. I just forget that I had a glass and so pour myself a new glass.... like every thirty minutes. By the time I notice that there are twenty glasses around the house Anthony is already complaining. During one of these complainy moments, I was hastening to pick up the glasses. I had a couple tucked under my arm when I noticed that there was something on the floor. Since it was shiny desperately wanting to be helpful, I bent down to inspect it more closely... as I did all the water in the glasses spilled out on the floor and over Anthony's backpack. Anthony was so taken aback by my idiocy that he was actually rendered speechless. I wasn't. I was like "OMG I'M THE DUMBEST PERSON EVAR!" and then he rallied and was all "Yeah, that took some talent!" which some people would take as offensive, but he was right... it does take an immense amount of "talent" to forget that you are holding five glassfuls of water under your arms.

-Anthony had been working really hard outside to clean our roof and gutters. Not just "clean" but actually scrubbing with a sponge. He had also raked the backyard which was covered in like a foot of leaves and pine needles. Desiring to reward him for his work, I told him I was going to make him a slow cooked beef stew. We excitedly resignedly went to the store to pick up the ingredients. As we were starting the car for the drive home, I noticed that I was running late for my OB/GYN appointment. Shit! In order for the stew to be done by dinner time, Anthony was going to have to make it himself. "Thanks for all your hard work! Make your own damn stew, asshole." was not the message I wanted to send, but it was sort of the message that I felt got sent.

What's even shittier? I had written my appointment down wrong and was like forty minutes late anyways. It probably would have been best if I had just rescheduled for the following day.

-I really love to brush my teeth.

Before bedtime, we brush Ayla's teeth. Seeing her get her teeth brushed made me want to brush my teeth... so I started brushing my teeth too! Anthony did not want to join in the brushing so he held Ayla and helped her instead. After teeth brushing, it is time for Ayla to have a couple books read to her and then be put to bed. Anthony was reaching for a book at the same time I was bending down and trying to tell him (with a mouthful of toothbrush, toothpaste foam and drool) that we had already read the book earlier.... well I ended up schlopping toothpastey, drool-foam all over his hand. He was a little mad and I was a little embarrassed.
-I regularly drive right past places where we are trying to go... and I also regularly don't remind Anthony where we are going so then he drive by places where we are supposed to be going. We waste a lot of gas and time this way.

-Sometimes when I think Anthony is sleeping I toot.

...but then I become crazy with fear that he is awake and may judge me if he smells it. I swear he senses my distress because he almost always tries to roll over to face me right after I commit the gassy deed.

To prevent my stinky secret from being discovered, my only choice is to firmly brace my legs against his back and push really hard so he can't roll over.

This usually ends one of two ways: 1) he wakes up all pissed off and confused and is then even more pissed off and confused as to why it smells like cat poop in our room or 2) he gets all pissed off and confused in his sleep.

I'm sure Anthony can think of some more weird shit that goes down around here, but I don't want to ask him because I feel that it would be unfair for both of us to make him relive those moments.

Hey! If you made it all the way through this crazy, good for you!


  1. Wow I feel like I am reading from the crazy contents of my own brain! My significant other even has me write about him with the pseudonym Antonio. Are you me? Am I you? Would you admit it if you were?

    Anyway very funny, I can't wait to read more of your blog - and I LOVE your drawings!! :)

  2. I wouldn't admit it unless you signed a waiver that stated that if you were me and I were you that you would fight me for supremacy of being me. Highlander style. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.
    Thank you so much for your kind words, it makes me happy that I am not completely insane. Or maybe we are...? That is ok too though.

  3. I wonder why fart jokes are so amusing? I've always said I have the maturity level of a 15 year old boy, but sometimes I think it is less than that. :]

    Anyways...your late night fart confessions amused me and coincidentally made me think of the following..<3 The Oatmeal.

  4. HAHAHA! I should get that card for hubby. He will probably not think it is as amusing as I do. He seems to think that having the maturity of a 15 y/o boy is unacceptable in this instance (though it never stops him from referring to Dancing With the Stars as "Dancing With the Farts." WTF ANTHONY?!) Thanks so much for reading, XOXO