Friday, February 1, 2013

So recently I have been thinking a great deal about sexual fetishes. Don't judge me! Since I am no longer married, gettin' laid isn't quite as easy as it was before. Anyways, for some reason I got to thinking about fisting. Seriously. Now, don't get me wrong, I am sure that it can be quite pleasurable....for some people....but all I can think about it puppeteering. For fuck's sake, ya'll, pussies are for pounding NOT puppeteering! It sort of made me think about slipping into a prewarmed glove or perhaps even a warm sweater. Mostly it just made me think of The Muppets. If I have my hand up anything, it damn well better be a puppet and not another human being. Considering that I am somewhat immature, I would be hard-pressed to resist speaking in a squeaky voice should I ever put my hand all up inside another human being. Think about it: another living being UP TO YOUR ELBOW. How is that not akin to a puppet? You see? I am not so crazy. If you are in to the whole fisting thing: congratulations. You are a far more robust woman than I. If you are a man and into fisting, I have but one question: What are your feelings about puppetry? In other inappropriate news.... I have a wonderful Facebook friend who is as twisted as I am. Sometimes, I get drunk and send her things I can't send to anyone else lest I be judged. For your enjoyment, I present the single-most blasphemous thing I have ever encountered: THE BABY JESUS BUTT PLUG. By all means, snoop around a bit. There is even something my "friend" refers affectionately to as "the rubber sex bible." Truly something for all your blasphemous sexcapade needs! For the record, I am all for fun in the bedroom. That being said, what's the weirdest thing you have ever done? Do you regret it? SHOW ME YOURS I'LL SHOW YOU MINE!

Monday, January 28, 2013

So Then This Shit all went down....

HI! I'm back! After an incredibly long hiatus, I'm back, bitches. So let me catch you up with a bullet-list of what all has gone down since last we visited: -Had my baby (she is 10 mos old now, OMG!) -Got divorced (not nearly as awesome or exciting as having my baby) -Got a dog (hey how bout that, eh?!) -Got more tattoos -Am going back to school -Doin' pretty ok, really! So, a lot of shit went down and I ain't married anymore. Sucks, but is for the best. It was finalized around Christmas (seriously, I wish I were making that up) but we were separated for like 5 months prior. Anyhoo! Just letting those who read (like all 4 of you, ha!) that I am back and that I will be posting many inappropriate things in the days to come. Some topics I will be covering: -fisting -puppets -mostly just fisting and puppets YEEEAAAAHHHH! Can't wait to get back in the swing of blogging, sorry I disappeared on ya'll! We will talk soon! XOXO, Chelsea

Monday, February 20, 2012

They're HERE! T-shirts that are sure to offend many!

It's a bit of a family secret that I am pretty opinionated. Honestly I feel entitled to an opinion because I'm smarter than most people. And by most people I mean the idiots who don't have the same opinion as I do. What? Don't judge me for judging you.

Lately in the news there is this huuuuge controversy surrounding whether or not it should be employers or insurance companies who provide female employees with free birth control. Many Catholic run hospitals and universities shat their pants at the thought that they may have to offer such a service, after all, isn't everyone who works at a Catholic establishment Catholic? The italics, in this case, indicate biting sarcasm. Personally? I think that religious establishments need to keep their Bible out of their employees' underwear. No one is asking them to kill a baby, they are just asking that women receive the reproductive care they need to prevent a pregnancy, and thus possibly an abortion. It really doesn't seem like rocket science.


It did not go unnoticed that the "expert" panel on birth control consisted solely of men. Mostly clergy. Hmmm...

I find it extremely offensive that any religious institution deems it appropriate to dictate to the women of (and not of!) their faith what they are and are not allowed to do to prevent pregnancy. That being said, I have designed some t-shirts. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to steal the images and make them into a real shirt, since I do not have an online store. I'll be the first to admit that these are pretty awful, I only have MS Paint and have no idea how to use it very well=(

Do you like these? Make some of your own and post them in the comments!

The whole "stay at home mom" thing sounded SO GOOD in theory... in practice is another story.

I am going to be quite frank: I suck at being domestic. I love a clean house and baking cookies, but those aren't really enough to qualify anyone as "house frau of the year." I don't really like to cook, cleaning up after others makes me insane, managing my time effectively to complete more than a few tasks is a skill that escapes me entirely and honestly being clinically depressed and having ADD don't help matters much. Toss a kid into the mix and I am pretty fucking proud of myself that Ayla gets three meals (with two snacks!) during the day and has a bath every night. I mean, come on... I shower at night so I can stay in bed an extra ten minutes in the morning, if I shower at all. Yeah. I've learned that, at least for me, it is impossible to have a clean self, a clean house and a clean kid all at the same time. You just sort of have to choose. I usually choose either clean house or clean kid, because I can just shower before bed (as is my habit most nights anymore...) and all I have to do prior to putting on makeup is wash my face which only takes like a minute. Hardly the strenuous rigamarole of an actual shower.

I digress.

A source of tension between hubby and I is my inconsistent "performance" when it comes to the housewifey duties such as cooking and cleaning. Anthony is all like "The house is a mess!" and I'm like "Whatever dude, do you feel like cleaning it? Because I sure as shit don't." and then it sometimes turns out he does feel like cleaning it which makes me feel like a douche-wagon so then I end up feeling all gross and guilty and insisting he just let me do it all. It's like he's some sort of Jedi. All jokes aside, the whole inconsistent thing is a combination of ADD and depression. ADD makes it hard for me to start tasks (finishing? No problem!) and the depression makes it difficult to even consider starting and following through on anything more than Ayla-oriented tasks.

The unfortunate side-effect of both of these disorders is that once things pile up, it is pretty much impossible for me to tackle these tasks solo. So dishes overfloweth from the sink, my hair gets greasy, the living room is strewn with Ayla toys and no one has any clean clothes to wear. Not fun for anyone.

I've decided that I would have an easier time being a stay at home mom under the following conditions:

-I get medicated for depression (ADD as well if symptoms do not improve with just an antidepressant)
-I continue interning and working
-I get some help around the house everyday, even if it is only for a few minutes
-The cats stop leaving fur everywhere (bitches I am going to shave the hell out of you!)
-I get "me time" everyday to workout or even leave the house if I wanna for an hour
-Netflix (what? Sometimes I just wanna veg, yo.)

I think that only like...2... of those things is actually plausible.

The main thing I can't shake off is this feeling of disappointment in myself. After all, many women love being stay at home moms and do it their whole lives after having a kid and are perfectly content to have lots of babies and care for them at home. Why can't I do that? Why don't I get that measure of satisfaction? Ayla is growing so rapidly, she learns so quickly and I love it when she learns something new... but even so, part of me yearns to be working, to finally start up my business and get cracking at finishing a degree!

I recently decided that while women in general are sort of "designed" to be mothers, that there are those of us who are designed to be a different sort of mother. We aren't less maternal or less nurturing, we aren't snobby or self-righteous, we are just different from women who make it their career to raise their children. As a child of a highly educated woman who continued to work and climb the ladder, I know it is possible. I can only imagine that my mother would have lost her mind if she had had to be a full-time stay at home mom. Some of us just can't sit still that long!

With another baby due in about a month and Ayla nearing her second birthday, I am being forced to adjust my long and short term goals to accommodate raising the new baby until she is old enough to enter daycare at least part-time. This means my career and school are on hold for about another two years. As I am wrestling with yet another delay in my future plans, I also wrestle with what can only be described as a sort of stigma (though perhaps it is only in my eyes that it is a stigma.) On the one hand are the full-time stay at home moms who don't understand why I would possibly not want to make being a mom my sole purpose, and on the other are the career women who do not understand waiting two years (that's what a nanny is for!) I feel as though no matter what I choose, I am subject to judgement, and that makes me very uncomfortable.

This unending inner conflict sort of feels like this.

Regardless, I am at least 30% certain that what I am doing is the best thing for my kids, which in the long run is the only thing that really matters. I am sure others would disagree, but really when you think about it, almost everybody disagrees with somebody. So meh.

ANYHOO. I have a funnier post in the works. If you like t-shirts and vaginas then you will love what I am crafting. Or hate it. I'm not really sure.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

In My Castle I'm the Effing KING... Which is why you probably shouldn't spout bigoted nonsense until *After* you're off of my property.

I've been told by very reliable sources that I am kind and tolerant (these same sources also say that I am nine types of crazy) but even I occasionally lose my shit. Remember sis in law who is suuuuuper ditzy? Well, her brain to mouth filter is broken (or maybe her brain is just broken) and from time to time some really offensive stuff falls out of her mouth. I've been struggling with this for a while, because I don't wanna like... correct her... or something lest it crush her soul. I don't really wanna just sit there and thus encourage her to spout ignorant idiocy either. Just as I was straddling the fence on this delicate issue, she deigned it necessary to offer me some parenting advice. She has no children.

At first I thought it was sort of sweet... but she wouldn't shut up. What started it me mentioning in passing how my daughter is a really light sleeper. Sis in law said something along the lines of "Oh, well if you don't get them used to noise when they are really tiny then that probably makes them light sleepers." That may or may not be accurate, and I said as much and followed it with the following, "But I used to hold Ayla while I cleaned, have her sleep on the couch with the TV on and she slept in our room with Anthony snoring for like 7 months... It isn't really that she was never exposed to a lot of noise, she just reached a point where she became unable to sleep through a lot of noises."

It didn't end there. She wouldn't let it go. She insisted that I had not done a good enough job of "getting her used" to noises and then went on to suggest that I be noisy when she is trying to sleep so that she'll learn to sleep with noises going on. I tried to laugh it off, but she just kept repeating that shit over and over until I had to physically remove myself from the room. No amount of reason gets through to this person. Critical thinking escapes her entirely. Couple that with a complete lack of knowledge of how babies and toddlers develop and you have what I was up against. I am not often in situations where my own critical thinking and reasoning ability don't lend themselves to a resolution, so you can imagine my distress.

How I wish the evening had just ended there. But no. She then chose to go on a tangent about Muslims. I wish I were making this up. Apparently, a friend of hers read somewhere that they just kill each other all the time and that they read in the Quran somewhere that killing infidels is good. It still didn't end there. We own a copy of the Quran, we have many books on religion, and I asked her if she would like to borrow it. She looked horrified. I guess looking in the holy book of another religion turn Catholics into pumpkins or something? I tried to explain to her what Islam actually was, and gave her an abundance of examples of how it and Christianity are similar, as well as very bluntly stating that extremists in every religion (including Catholicism) have done some atrocious things to others. Again, she wouldn't let it go. Her entire argument was "Something I saw on TV once" and "Something my friend read" and we just couldn't get around it.

I was fucking furious. Who the hell comes into another person's home, gives them parenting advice, spouts stupid ignorant nonsense about a belief system they admittedly don't understand and then refuse to hear any damned reason?! It's like she is completely deaf to educated arguments! (I would make a Republican joke, but I don't want to be too offensive.)

This all may seem like a small thing to others, but to me it truly is the straw that broke the camels back. I've made a decision that if given a choice, I will opt to not be in her company, even if it means removing myself and my daughter from our home while she is over. I certainly do not want her to be an influence in our children's lives. Anyone who is that close minded and intentionally ignorant has no place around my children. I know. It sounds really harsh. I am adamant that our children not be raised in a bubble and that they learn as much about as many things as they can. I feel that being around intentionally ignorant people will only serve to frustrate them as well as stunt them when they are younger.

Sorry. This has been more of a rant than an actual post. I promise I'll get back to posting funny shit soon. This was just really bothering me and making me crazy. You know how it is.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

PROOF that my Husband Loves Me... Or That He is Lulling Me into a False Sense of Security Before Killing Me in My Sleep...... Whatevs.

It's no secret that I am somewhat awkward. Not only do I say somewhat inappropriate things (as well as do some inappropriate things) I tend to like to save these indecencies for when my husband is around. Sorry, Anthony, you thought you brought out the best in me but it turns out you actually attract all the crazy. Don't worry though, according to Buck Cherry crazy girls are awesome in bed. So you have that going for you. Wait. Where was I going with this? OH! Yes, I am awkward. My little filter doesn't work until after I say or do something questionable, and then my guilt kicks in. I'm not even Catholic yet I seem to suffer from the same (if not greater) crippling guilt. Do you know how hard it is for your apology to be taken seriously right after you make a joke about Mary having a headache every night in the company of devout Catholics? Pretty fucking hard. I am relatively sure they did not believe I am sorry and that they are praying I will be smote by holy fire.

In any event... for your amusement I have made an extremely short list of recent stupid/indecent/weird things I have done or said lately.

-Like many married couples, Anthony and I enjoy "intimate" moments. During one of these intimate moments I got mad at him for trying to take off my shirt. "If you do that you'll get shingles too!" I shouted, which totally ruined the mood because apparently talking about herpes zoster during foreplay is not sexy. In hindsight I probably should have said something like "I'm still contagious." or "Let me give you a blowjob!" Oh well, they say that experience is the best teacher (though my experience has been that this is not true.)

-Sometimes I leave glasses of water around the house. It's not like I intend to. I just forget that I had a glass and so pour myself a new glass.... like every thirty minutes. By the time I notice that there are twenty glasses around the house Anthony is already complaining. During one of these complainy moments, I was hastening to pick up the glasses. I had a couple tucked under my arm when I noticed that there was something on the floor. Since it was shiny desperately wanting to be helpful, I bent down to inspect it more closely... as I did all the water in the glasses spilled out on the floor and over Anthony's backpack. Anthony was so taken aback by my idiocy that he was actually rendered speechless. I wasn't. I was like "OMG I'M THE DUMBEST PERSON EVAR!" and then he rallied and was all "Yeah, that took some talent!" which some people would take as offensive, but he was right... it does take an immense amount of "talent" to forget that you are holding five glassfuls of water under your arms.

-Anthony had been working really hard outside to clean our roof and gutters. Not just "clean" but actually scrubbing with a sponge. He had also raked the backyard which was covered in like a foot of leaves and pine needles. Desiring to reward him for his work, I told him I was going to make him a slow cooked beef stew. We excitedly resignedly went to the store to pick up the ingredients. As we were starting the car for the drive home, I noticed that I was running late for my OB/GYN appointment. Shit! In order for the stew to be done by dinner time, Anthony was going to have to make it himself. "Thanks for all your hard work! Make your own damn stew, asshole." was not the message I wanted to send, but it was sort of the message that I felt got sent.

What's even shittier? I had written my appointment down wrong and was like forty minutes late anyways. It probably would have been best if I had just rescheduled for the following day.

-I really love to brush my teeth.

Before bedtime, we brush Ayla's teeth. Seeing her get her teeth brushed made me want to brush my teeth... so I started brushing my teeth too! Anthony did not want to join in the brushing so he held Ayla and helped her instead. After teeth brushing, it is time for Ayla to have a couple books read to her and then be put to bed. Anthony was reaching for a book at the same time I was bending down and trying to tell him (with a mouthful of toothbrush, toothpaste foam and drool) that we had already read the book earlier.... well I ended up schlopping toothpastey, drool-foam all over his hand. He was a little mad and I was a little embarrassed.
-I regularly drive right past places where we are trying to go... and I also regularly don't remind Anthony where we are going so then he drive by places where we are supposed to be going. We waste a lot of gas and time this way.

-Sometimes when I think Anthony is sleeping I toot.

...but then I become crazy with fear that he is awake and may judge me if he smells it. I swear he senses my distress because he almost always tries to roll over to face me right after I commit the gassy deed.

To prevent my stinky secret from being discovered, my only choice is to firmly brace my legs against his back and push really hard so he can't roll over.

This usually ends one of two ways: 1) he wakes up all pissed off and confused and is then even more pissed off and confused as to why it smells like cat poop in our room or 2) he gets all pissed off and confused in his sleep.

I'm sure Anthony can think of some more weird shit that goes down around here, but I don't want to ask him because I feel that it would be unfair for both of us to make him relive those moments.

Hey! If you made it all the way through this crazy, good for you!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sometimes I Actually Make Sense.... This is Not One of Those Times.

You know how normal people have weird fantasies about smashing people with the harsh realities of this world and driving those people into deep cynicism and woe? What? That's not normal? Don't be ridiculous. Of course it's normal. Allow me to demonstrate some of my most compelling logic yet:
People eating fish eggs and snails----> NOT NORMAL
People desiring to crush the naive----> TOTALLY SANE AND NORMAL

I make so much sense right now it is downright disturbing. Anyhow. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a sister in law who is insanely naive. Most of the time I find it adorable. Other times I want to poop all over the world of illusion she lives in and crush her with reality. Lately, my desire to crush her wonderful world of unicorns, lollipops and babies has been intensifying. Please do not think I am a mean or cruel person. I'm not... usually. It's just that I'm 6 months pregnant and really have waning patience for the naive ramblings of someone who equates birth control use with abortion. No shit, ya'll.

To take up space and make this look more interesting help me make my point, I have prepared some illustrations. Please enjoy my hastily scrawled MS Paint creations (if you judge me I'll kill you.)

It starts out like this.

I look forward to what I will hear come out of sister in law's mouth. After all, the naivete is so sweet and cute.

Then we hang out and I take the magical journey with her into the carefully concocted alternate universe she exists in. Things are beautiful there. It is a world where everything is perfect because everyone in this world surely shares the same moral values as she does.

I love our little trips into her land-of-illusion.

Usually we both leave the interaction (i.e. entry into her fantasy universe) feeling refreshed and joyful. More often than not I looks forward to the next foray into the depths of her naivete.

Lately, however, it has been a bit more like this in the time leading up to any sort of interaction with her.

Suddenly snapping and sending reality crashing down upon her is a real fear for me. And by "we" I mean "us." The hubby is aware of the impending snap but being how he is he has not offered any sort of tangible help. Usually he just tries to get me to go with him to hang out with sis and bro in law, which makes me think that maybe he wants me to snap. If this is the case, I am sure the day is fast approaching where I will smack sis in law upside the head with some damn reason. Until then though I can only fantasize about what I will say to in response to her naive (and oftentimes ignorant) statements and then giggle at the face I imagine her making when her alternate universe is shattered into a million pieces.

Really when you think about it, I'm not that weird. I think we all have a place in our hearts that wants to hurt people who are intentionally naive... admittedly the place in my heart for such a thing is probably larger than most people's..... I am told that that is what makes me so lovable. Ok, so I've never been told that, but it could happen and as luck would have it if it will happen it will soon.