I am going to be quite frank: I suck at being domestic. I love a clean house and baking cookies, but those aren't really enough to qualify anyone as "house frau of the year." I don't really like to cook, cleaning up after others makes me insane, managing my time effectively to complete more than a few tasks is a skill that escapes me entirely and honestly being clinically depressed and having ADD don't help matters much. Toss a kid into the mix and I am pretty fucking proud of myself that Ayla gets three meals (with two snacks!) during the day and has a bath every night. I mean, come on... I shower at night so I can stay in bed an extra ten minutes in the morning, if I shower at all. Yeah. I've learned that, at least for me, it is impossible to have a clean self, a clean house and a clean kid all at the same time. You just sort of have to choose. I usually choose either clean house or clean kid, because I can just shower before bed (as is my habit most nights anymore...) and all I have to do prior to putting on makeup is wash my face which only takes like a minute. Hardly the strenuous rigamarole of an actual shower.
A source of tension between hubby and I is my inconsistent "performance" when it comes to the housewifey duties such as cooking and cleaning. Anthony is all like "The house is a mess!" and I'm like "Whatever dude, do you feel like cleaning it? Because I sure as shit don't." and then it sometimes turns out he does feel like cleaning it which makes me feel like a douche-wagon so then I end up feeling all gross and guilty and insisting he just let me do it all. It's like he's some sort of Jedi. All jokes aside, the whole inconsistent thing is a combination of ADD and depression. ADD makes it hard for me to start tasks (finishing? No problem!) and the depression makes it difficult to even consider starting and following through on anything more than Ayla-oriented tasks.
The unfortunate side-effect of both of these disorders is that once things pile up, it is pretty much impossible for me to tackle these tasks solo. So dishes overfloweth from the sink, my hair gets greasy, the living room is strewn with Ayla toys and no one has any clean clothes to wear. Not fun for anyone.
I've decided that I would have an easier time being a stay at home mom under the following conditions:
-I get medicated for depression (ADD as well if symptoms do not improve with just an antidepressant)
-I continue interning and working
-I get some help around the house everyday, even if it is only for a few minutes
-The cats stop leaving fur everywhere (bitches I am going to shave the hell out of you!)
-I get "me time" everyday to workout or even leave the house if I wanna for an hour
-Netflix (what? Sometimes I just wanna veg, yo.)
I think that only like...2... of those things is actually plausible.
The main thing I can't shake off is this feeling of disappointment in myself. After all, many women love being stay at home moms and do it their whole lives after having a kid and are perfectly content to have lots of babies and care for them at home. Why can't I do that? Why don't I get that measure of satisfaction? Ayla is growing so rapidly, she learns so quickly and I love it when she learns something new... but even so, part of me yearns to be working, to finally start up my business and get cracking at finishing a degree!
I recently decided that while women in general are sort of "designed" to be mothers, that there are those of us who are designed to be a different sort of mother. We aren't less maternal or less nurturing, we aren't snobby or self-righteous, we are just different from women who make it their career to raise their children. As a child of a highly educated woman who continued to work and climb the ladder, I know it is possible. I can only imagine that my mother would have lost her mind if she had had to be a full-time stay at home mom. Some of us just can't sit still that long!
With another baby due in about a month and Ayla nearing her second birthday, I am being forced to adjust my long and short term goals to accommodate raising the new baby until she is old enough to enter daycare at least part-time. This means my career and school are on hold for about another two years. As I am wrestling with yet another delay in my future plans, I also wrestle with what can only be described as a sort of stigma (though perhaps it is only in my eyes that it is a stigma.) On the one hand are the full-time stay at home moms who don't understand why I would possibly not want to make being a mom my sole purpose, and on the other are the career women who do not understand waiting two years (that's what a nanny is for!) I feel as though no matter what I choose, I am subject to judgement, and that makes me very uncomfortable.
This unending inner conflict sort of feels like this.
Regardless, I am at least 30% certain that what I am doing is the best thing for my kids, which in the long run is the only thing that really matters. I am sure others would disagree, but really when you think about it, almost everybody disagrees with somebody. So meh.
ANYHOO. I have a funnier post in the works. If you like t-shirts and vaginas then you will love what I am crafting. Or hate it. I'm not really sure.