Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Conversations That Might Make Normal People Cringe

So I was messaging back and forth with my friend Danielle over Facebook. For some reason we started discussing home-schooling which for some reason inspired me to send her a link to the post about my type 2 naive/ditzy sister in law. What follows is the appropriate portion of a conversation that ensued (I realize that my interpretation and your interpretation might be different but don't care.)

Danielle:
LMAO awwwww that was endearing, in a messed up sort of way, but rather sweet really

Me:
I'm sort of weird. Anthony honestly believes I want to kill her. But I don't. She just makes me want to kill myself because next to her I'm like "OH MY GOD. I AM A HORRIBLE, CYNICAL, HUSK OF A HUMAN BEING!" she's like a unicorn, all innocent and stuff. I think that five years ago me would have wanted to crush her ruthlessly, but current, better adjusted Chelsea just wants to keep her as a pet. ....Ok, yeah. I see where you're going with the "messed up sort of way" thing. I mean, my house isn't even big enough to fit that basket somewhere so I couldn't keep her anyways. Damn it.

Danielle:
Well test it out for a few weeks, buy her favorite snack, and reward her positive behavior, see if perhaps she can grow and learn when given positive reinforcement before you go and buy her a basket

****Even though I make some pretty bizarre jokes, I really do love this girl dearly. She is an amazing person and honestly, in spite of her extreme (compared to me and Danielle) religious view she is still probably the least judgmental, most loving person I know. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, all ya'll who think religious people are all douchebags. I am truly honored and privileged to have this girl in my life and wouldn't trade her. Also, when I make really inappropriate jokes that I instantly regret making in her presence, I don't have to do any damage control because she (usually) doesn't realize. We are a perfect match. I can make all the horrible jokes I want and not worry because she will still love me and think I'm hilarious. What I am trying to say is that when you know this person it's awesome because everyone wins.

This is a follow-up to that Facebook conversation (but in texts):

Me:
So if sister in law is a unicorn (all things pure and wonderful) would I live forever if I drank her blood? Never mind. I'm pretty sure drinking blood is frowned upon (like keeping a person in a basket as a pet isn't) help! The crazy can't be contained!

Danielle:
Maybe it is like in Harry Potter. It would only be a half-life. And that basket was hella nice. I would love it. Drinking blood is frowned upon but vampires do it and look how popular they are. They may even keep humans as pets in baskets.

Me:
So fuck it. I may as well be a vampire. That way I'll a) be popular b) get a human pet (ghoul?) and c) get to bite whoever I freaking want and I won't have to explain myself.

Danielle:
Yeah 'cause if they pestered you too much you could just kill them, or better yet, glamour them and make them do your bidding. Who would not want that? As long as you are a True Blood or Dracula type vampire and not a Twilight type vampire.

Me: Exactly. This is the best idea we've ever had. I'm gonna tell Anthony. He might know where I can get turned into a vampire.

Danielle:
Downtown Portland would be my guess. Or somewhere in California. Nothing cool like a vampire creator would ever live in Salem.

Me: That's true. I should post on CL and see what happens.

Danielle: Lol. Oh the freaks will think it's Xmas. You need to post replied if you do.


****And I will. I'm working on making an ad right now. I have to be careful with my wording though so I'm reading up on some vampire lore to make sure I don't sound stupid when I ask if anyone can turn me. I'll post the ad as soon as I can and replies as they come in. Look forward to it!

The following is something I sent to Liz (one of the four people in the universe who don't always cringe at my humor.) To set the scene, hubby had been sitting at the computer and some story about Dancing With the Stars had popped up on Yahoo! Hubby, being a man of sophistication, sniggered and said "Dancing with the Farts!" (which of course made me snigger too) and I replied "I routinely dance with my farts, that is why they are so beautiful."

Me:
"I routinely dance with my farts, that is why they are so beautiful." I just said that to my husband. What. The. Fuck. I've lost my mind. He calls Dancing With the Stars "dancing with the farts" (haha! we are so mature!) so technically what I said was a rebuttal to what he said but still. He looked at me the way a kitten would look at a rabid honey badger.

Liz:
Haha! That man must seriously love you!

****And you know what? Yes. For some reason that I cannot figure out my husband loves the hell out of me. I wake up every morning and feel lucky as hell to share my life with him and then I wonder if it's all some clever illusion (like The Matrix) and wonder when I'll wake up and realize my brain juice is being harvested. But I digress. Anthony loves me the way I've always longed to be loved and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. In spite of our differences we make a wonderful team and I love being able to claim him as my husband.

This is some more between Liz and I:

Me:
Oh. I need help writing an ad to put on CL.

Liz:
Ad for? I'd love to help.

Me:
I need to find a vampire in the Salem/Portland area to turn me into a vampire.

Liz:
? Dude... if they can fly you can post that shit anywhere.

Me:
Danielle and I were talking and decided that drinking a unicorn's blood in the long run is not as beneficial as being undead (vampire) it's an investment. Immortality, popularity and minions? I can't say no to that! Hence I need to find a vampire. It makes perfect sense, Liz. Oh shit. I'll ask Danielle about the flying. She would know, she on the up and up regarding undead lore. But they have to speak English because this isn't something that affords mistakes.

Liz:
Yeah, fo' sho'.


****And that is why all my free time today is dedicated to writing a compelling Craigslist ad that will convince an elder vampire to turn me into one.
There is no moral to the story except that if you ever get a text from me it might be safer to ignore it...


I don't have anything else inappropriate/funny/stupid to share. So I guess this is "see you later" until I have some more weird shit to post. Peace out mofos!

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