Friday, November 11, 2011

Things You May Like to Know About Me. Or Not. Whatever.

It's no secret. I can be a bit difficult. I compensate for my ADD and anxiety by being OCD. I don't scrub our house with bleach or insist on washing my hands five-hundred times a day, but I do insist on having my routines and rituals. Without these little oases of sanity my day (from my perspective) is out of control and awful. Anthony occasionally gets irritated with me for being "difficult" but instead of feeling bummed out about it, I'm going to make fun of it. That is just how I roll.

Things you should know about me

-Guess what? I LOVE lists. I make lists everyday. I like the feeling I get when I check something off of the list. Also? They help me stay organized because otherwise I would make twelve trips to the store every week instead of three.
-I need my fucking calendar. I write everything on my calendar that I need to remember. Appointments, play dates... I do this because....
-I need to know what is going to happen well in advance or else I turn into a mentally unstable bitchasaurus that wants to stab you.
-When I am not given ample warning, I get anxious and then I get angry.
-My anxiety attacks are nothing personal. I can't help it. I've gotten better about controlling my response to unexpected/surprise scenarios but I can't always contain how anxious and upset it makes me.
-In spite of being home for most of the day, I don't actually have a lot of time to clean and stuff. Yeah, I know I could keep our home spotless if I dedicated every free moment to doing so but...
-I need time to myself. I need Ayla's naps so I can do weird stuff like blog, look at LOL cats, nap, eat and most importantly do my damn makeup. My priority (not surprisingly) leans more towards my mental and emotional health than having a completely sterile home.
-Animals make me happy. Cats, dogs... anything furry (except for spiders) evokes an "Awwwwww!" response from me. Endorphins all over the fucking place, mang. That being said....
-I will always have a pet. Be it a cat or a dog, I refuse to not share my home and my life with an animal as a companion.
-This may shock you, but I have some very strong opinions. My preference is to keep my "strong" opinions to myself since really, I am not into debating/fighting/being an annoying douche. Be that as it may...
-Once you ask for my opinion, I am more than happy to share it with you. In depth. With footnotes and headers and shit.
-I care a lot about manners. I was raised in a home that did not tolerate impolite behavior. We received consequences for our "bad" actions and were praised for "good" actions. We learned how to do things like call before we go over to someone's house and not make last second plans unless it is an emergency... that being said...
-I get a little testy when people ignore common courtesies like calling before they come over or inviting themselves over. Along those lines....
-I also get upset when last-second plans are sprung on me like "Oh, by the way, I told so and so that we would go and do such and such with them in an hour." Shit like that drives me crazy. I need my damn 24 hours notice! (Please note that there are circumstances where last-second stuff is ok, like in an emergency or if it involves someone I am incredibly fond of. In general, however, I dislike last-second plans/changes in plans, immensely.)
-In spite of frequently being around a startlingly large amount of negativity, I am a positive person. I am not a bobble-headed optimist, I am not ignorant, my positive attitude is a choice. I still get depressed, I still get angry and I still somehow manage to be pretty positive overall.
-When people assume the worst about me, I get fucking pissed. I skip right the hell over sad and enter directly into mad. The mad is amplified when explanations ("no, my intentions were these beautiful and lovely and pure intentions!") regarding my motives are not believed. The point of me clarifying my intentions is so that you can rest assured that I am not a douchebag and that I am sorry for coming across as a douchebag. I mean come on. If I had shitty intentions then why would I apologize for how I came across and try to remedy the situation? I wouldn't and as has been observed in some situations were I intend to be an asshole, I don't.
-I don't like to share my food. This isn't mature, but it's true. I don't like it when people try to eat off of my plate or drink out of my glass. Be that as it may....
-I reserve the right to eat anything I want right out from under your nose and sample every beverage of yours that looks tasty.
-Extremist views regarding religion and politics annoy me. If I wanted to know I would have asked. The reason I didn't ask is because I could sense the crazy and didn't want to be subjected to a thirty-minute rant about how picketing in front of Planned Parenthood is helping babies. You know what? Fuck you. You would save more babies if you donated money to charities helping children in Somalia than by telling scared girls they are murdering babies, or even by donating to Planned Parenthood so they can give out contraceptives to girls and boys. Moral of the story: judgey people make me sad-mad.
-It will annoy me when you pout, but when I pout I want to be treated like royalty.
-The great outdoors are wonderful and I enjoy them.... for about 2-4 hours at a time. Any longer than that and I start to suffer from conditions such as 1) sun burn 2) bug bites 3) frost bite 4) "I've been on my feet for like four fucking hours and I want to go home!" syndrome.
-"Nerdy" does not quite begin to describe my brand of humor or my spectrum of interests. I prefer the term "eclectic" or (since I am ever the word-smith) punny.
-Anger is an emotion that I don't let out much. It takes a great deal to actually get me to raise my voice or even "rant." When I do reach that point there isn't a whole lot on this Earth that can stop me. So, if you insist on being an asshole, at least know what you're in store for if I lose. My. Shit. Because it catches most people horribly off guard.
-When I start to get irritated/frustrated, I smile a lot and talk very softly. Next stop: RAGE ATTACK.
-I spend a lot of time thinking about silly things and giggling to myself. Sometimes the only person who can get my humor is me, and I'm cool with that.
-Generally, if I don't have something nice to say, I don't say it. It's just the way I was raised and I tend to raise an eyebrow when others don't do the same. Not in a judgey way, more in a "Really? You think that here and now is the best time and place to share that?" way.
-There are times when I just can't explain my behavior. Why did I eat two pounds of ice cream and then cry for an hour? I don't know. I suspect it was pregnancy-related.
-When it comes to animals, children, mental illness and spirituality I will always have some very strong beliefs. I will always advocate for humane and ethical treatment of animals, I will always care deeply for children and advocate for their rights to be safe and thrive, I will always put the smack down on people who belittle the legitimacy of mental illness and I will always defend my spiritual beliefs. When it comes to these areas, my beliefs are firm and there is nothing you can say or do to change them... so please, don't thump me with your own opinions. I don't care if you base your opinions off of your own fears, what some guy on TV said or off of what a book says. I would love to discuss these things with you, but only under the agreement that we are not debating or trying to change each other's minds. When it comes to powerful topics and the beliefs associated with them, I must insist that things be respectful, because frankly we both deserve that.
-While I am not a totally picky eater, there are some foods that I have always disliked. Fish and seafood, for example, are a couple things I despise. So, thanks but no thanks, I would rather not try that shrimp covered fish face.
-There are rare instances when I am not hilarious. Try to hang in there.
-Around Christmas-time each year I get this peculiar urge to listen to Christmas carols... in Japanese.
-Decorating is not my strong suit, so don't ask why the house isn't all festive and shit. It's not festive because I lack the capability to make it so for two weeks out of the year. Do the math! That is hardly worth the effort.
-My domestic skills (aside from cleaning) are not fantastic. I am not great at (nor do I particularly enjoy) cooking, doing laundry, sewing or decorating. Please don't assume that I do or I'll break your face.
-I may actually kill you if you interrupt me while I am reading.
-My friends are extremely important to me, I don't put up with shit-talk about them.
-Yes, I know my brother and I are the socially inappropriate duo from Hell, but after you hang out with us for a while we promise that you'll begin to see why cannibalism is so funny.
-Sometimes, when I get into a funk, I cope with it by sleeping a lot and not wanting to do anything ever. Nothing personal, just bear with it for a day or so, I'll be back shortly.
-Grocery shopping stresses me out. Please don't make me go alone!
-Going anywhere alone kind of stresses me out... PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO ALONE!
-I am not, in fact, very fashion-savvy and tend to think that parting my hair on a different side is quite exciting.
-Generally, I only threaten to kill/disembowel those I love most.

These are really all the things I can think of that someone might want to know about me. I am sure there are some things in there that people quite possibly don't want to know about me. Oh well.

****Next post will probably be funnier.

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