Sunday, November 6, 2011

Sometimes I Text People Weird Things...

I am sure we can all agree that sometimes we send in a text message what we would never dare to actually say. Well, at least I can say that, because I'm honest. I figured that a great way to kick off this new blog (and pretty much give you a taste of what is in store for you) would be to write down some texts I've sent some very special (unfortunate?) people. I should mention that I did not ask their permission at all before I wrote this.

Weird Texts That I Have Sent This Month (That I Remember, Anyways....):

To my husband: "You make swans looks like robots."

****I still have no idea what I was getting at with this one. I sent it to hubby early one morning and have absolutely no recollection of doing so... Who know? Was I making some broad, artistic statement? Was I questioning the true grace of swans in comparison to robots? I will never know. Either way, my husband never responded to that text. Probably for the best since who knows what sleep-Chelsea would have sent in reply to the reply.

To My Brother (and then to some like-minded friends): "I have an idea. It came to my attention that people may be ashamed of hemorrhoids. Maybe because it is such an awkward sounding word that reminds people of leprosy and no one like leprosy of the ass. Anyways. I decided that a more modern way to refer to hemorrhoids is "rectum flowers" or perhaps "butt blossoms." It makes it sound cuter and adds intrigue. Like "Whoooooaaaa! Sounds waaaaayyyy eclectic and erotic! I wish I had some butt blossoms!" YOU'RE WELCOME, PEOPLE WITH ASS LEPROSY. See? I just made something uncomfortable and shameful desirable."

***I should defend myself for this one, because I am sure there are people with hemorrhoids who this may offend. I would like to offer exhibit A (here is a link to a google image search, NSFW) As you can see, hemorrhoids do kind of resemble a flower. So my modernized way of referring to them, while not entirely politically correct, is not completely without merit. In the even that you are still offended all I gotta say is "Would you rather be grouchy talking about your hemorrhoids or would you rather make it sound like something totally crazy you did in Vegas?" I rest my case.

A Text Conversation with Liz:
Me: "My husband and I decided that I should teach your animal behavior class (the part that explains the principles of operant conditioning anyways because I don't know shit about bonobos except that they force frogs to perform fellatio on them and I'm pretty sure I can't make that take up an entire class unless I just play the video on loop and if I did that I would be fired for being a sexual harassment panda.)"
Liz: "Hahaha! Don't worry, it's applied animal behavior, domestic animals only!"
Me: "Oh cool! So no birds...? Because my lessons on birds would be limited to "why birds are gross" "why birds are evil" and "how to escape from birds in the event of a THE BIRDS scenario (you can't, you're fucked, bet you wish you'd listened to my other lessons because then you wouldn't be in this mess.""
Liz: "Hahaha! Oh my God! You're hilarious! Though we do learn from chickens though.... Farm fowl."
Me: "........I hereby submit my resignation as professor of animal behavior. For reasons beyond my control, I cannot fulfill the requirements of dealing with dirty, stinking birds."
Liz: "Haha! God I needed that laugh!"
Me: "Glad I could help. I just hope for your sake that your current confused professor has taught you how to evade enraged farm fowl (and every sort of winged reptile.)"
Liz: "Lol, she's ok, at least there are no tests."
Me: "What?! How does that work?! I would put you all in a pit with a bunch of bonobos and time you on your escape! THAT is a test because you'll actually use those skills."
Liz: "Ha! Don't bonobos like... rape everything?"
Me: "Yes. Often in exchange for apples and sometimes for no reason at all. They also have homosexual and heterosexual sex, oral sex and anal sex. They are pretty molesty:( Also, apparently they face-fuck frogs."
Liz: "Face fuck frogs?"
Me: "I'll link the video to you. A bonobo in captivity found a frog in its enclosure, grabbed it, stuck its face on its wang and went at it. The frog died from asphyxiation:("
Liz: "Oh my God!"
Me: "Yeah. Be glad I'm not your teacher, yo."
Liz: "Totally link that to me!"

****And this is why I frickin' love Liz. She understands me. Later that night she sent me this gem:
Liz: "Would face-fucking frogs be considered tool use? I mean, he's basically using a 'fleshlight.'"

****The answer to that is Yes, that is technically tool use. It could also be considered violent and lethal frog rape. Either way, Liz always makes me feel wonderful because she doesn't shy away from my weird humor. Likewise, I find her humor to be delightful. Thank you Liz! (For the record and in case you are interested, here is the video I am referring to NSFW(?))

More Weird Texts:
"I think it should be mandated that all tempermental people who are prone to stomping off should wear GPS collars so their significant others can track them down and drag them to family photo time."

***Also so that the significant others can ambush them and stab them. Hey, I would never stab anyone. Unless I was in West Side Story, and then you sort of have to. Or maybe if someone was trying to like... I dunno... steal something? I just added that in there so people who do stab people felt included. You're welcome.

"Fuck. I need some cotton candy ice cream. Yes. NEED. You don't understand, it's a crazy-lady thing."

****In my defense, I am pregnant. Typically I don't crave sweets of any kind but being knocked up sort of messes with everything. So, in other words, on top of being completely off kilter emotionally I am eating things I would typically have no interest in... like sugar wafers and dill pickle spears and sometimes three bags of popcorn (one bag with each "meal.") I'm not proud of this, but hey... I can work it all off later... unless the hormones totally take over and I go completely homicidal. This is also a real possibility.

That concludes the weird texts for this month (so far.) Partially because I haven't really sent that many interesting ones and partially because in an attempt to free up space on my phone I accidentally deleted everything. So mission accomplished, technically.

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